I'm Thankful for... [March 7 2018]

I am thankful for my ability to read, even though I have a really hard time focusing a lot. There are some who can not read at all, for various reasons. I also can't wrap my head around those who dislike reading. It is traveling, being someone else, having adventures, living many lives and experiencing different ways of living different from your own. What are you thankful for?

 

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I've talked about it on my Facebook, on my Youtube channel and even here:

Depression, social anxiety, chronic pain, possible autism, among other "glitches" la di da, di da... I want to remember what I am thankful for on a day to day basis, despite the bad. We all need to remember what we're thankful for; who knows it might brighten your day a little.

 

There are days where I just don't know why I am here. Like, what is the point? I do think about death, wish it at times. I honestly believe people would be better off without me. I have these feelings and worse during my darkest hours.

 

I feel stuck. I can't see a future because sometimes I doubt I will be able to have one other than what I have now. Stuck. Useless. A burden. A no good person who is lazy and doesn't work. I think those things, but does my husband think that? Does my mom? Anyone in my family? My husband says he doesn't think that and he never resents having to "take care of me" because he knows and understands why I am this way. I honestly can't understand how he couldn't resent me or think of me as a burden.

 

That all aside...

 

I do have "good" days, or moments of happiness during a day I'm feeling crappy. However, I second guess myself: Is this "happy?" Am I happy right now? I can't understand my own feelings because I'm so used to being "under the weather." Under the weather? That is kind of how I might put it if someone asks how I am. People get tired of hearing the same old "Belly-aching" and some people still don't believe depression & anxiety are a real and serious condition.

 

My normal response.

 

"I'm fine, just a bit under the weather."

 

"How have you been?"

 

"Oh good. Okay. I'm Alive. Not much to complain about."

 

My answers are usually very vague.

 

Another thing I just want to add on. Personal boundaries... You might be a good friend, or a family member. I could know you well, or not well at all (despite being family even). We might bump into each other somewhere. It is nice to see you, but small talk really freaks me out, gives me anxiety. Please don't think badly of me if I act weird or seem rude. 9 times out of 10 I do not want to hug you, unless we're super close. You should know if we are. I just don't like it. It's uncomfortable. It is nothing personal. You might not understand it, but sometimes it physically hurts.

 

Even my husband knows; no light touches. It's uncomfortable and even hurts in certain places. If you want to rub my arm or back, firmly, no spiderweb-like caresses.

 

I don't know what this post is... just word vomit, I guess.

 

Remember to find something to be thankful for every day, even if it is a small thing.

 

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Photo Credit: Mine. I found a diary from when I was 12. When I thought I was Harriet the Spy. Thanks to this book and the movie that followed. I have dyslexia. My hand writing is/was horrible and my spelling/grammar was worse. I feel like it is better these days, but not all the time.