Not an excuse, but a reason...

I haven't posted here in a while because I am horrible with my memory and keeping up with things. I really love having a book blog and Booktube (Youtube) channel, but also my day to day stress and depression really gets in the way. I have executive dysfunction so that also doesn't help.


Something I read (or it was a video I saw; I can't quite remember) is that people who constantly post/talk about their mental health or other illnesses are only doing so for attention. It was the stupidest thing I ever saw/read.


There is such a thing as awareness. People post/talk about the stuff they go through for awareness, and talking in general can be a form of therapy. Also, it is a heads up for people as to why you haven't been so active or you did not do a thing you promised someone. (Like I owe a couple book reviews and I don't know when I can do them now to be honest.)


For me, my mental health, developmental disorder and chronic pain are my reasons and not my excuse as to why I "suck." I'm usually really down on myself. I say bad things, insult myself, call myself ugly, fat, you name it. I also apologize non stop, so I am trying to not say "sorry" for not updating this blog or my Youtube channel, but I hope you know I really wish I could do better.


I do want to say sorry and then say that I will start being more active starting [insert day] but I can't do that.


So I haven't been reading. The last thing I started to read was A Little Princess on my kindle. An oldie, but a goodie ;)


Mostly, I've been listening to a lot of goth music. I'm new to the subculture and learning about it. People judge alternative people unfairly. I wouldn't quite call myself goth, at least yet, but I'm leaning on the side of a babybat (what they call someone who is a newbie to the goth culture and I'm very fascinated with the culture.) I've felt so much happier and more confident when I started to express myself outwardly. I'm just basic, I can't wear super fancy clothes or anything, but I feel more comfortable in darker clothing. I've always liked darker things, and that doesn't mean "evil & bad" things like people assume. Think Halloween, but all the time, and then some. K? Think the Addams Family or The Munsters...etc.


Image may contain: Leigha Mae Desmond, eyeglasses and closeup(A very basic makeup look. Not too dark. I'm new with makeup)


Image may contain: Leigha Mae Desmond, eyeglasses and closeup


Image may contain: Leigha Mae Desmond, eyeglasses and closeup


And since we're talking about mental health awareness, here is some awareness!!


I stim. Some people call it stimming or the need for sensory play & sensory toys. Some of my stims are done with tools, like this Onyx annular chewlry & and the Starry Night spinner ring from Stimtastic. I stim to self regulate when stuff gets to be too much. It calms me down and makes me happy. Gives me something to focus on. Why a chew toy you ask? Some stims are harmful, like the sensory need for things in my mouth, which is usually food. I end up eating until I'm sick. Even when I say to stop, I still subconsciously grab anything nearby. I also grind my teeth and bite things. Myself (not the same as self harm), sometimes my husband (playfully, but sometimes too much or too hard. It's just something I do.)


Image may contain: Leigha Mae Desmond, eyeglasses and closeup

I will put this in my mouth when I start to feel full (or in some cases sick), or when I'm overloaded with anxiety.

The ring spins. Perfect fidget toy. I'm wearing it as my wedding ring.

I have other stims. I rock when I'm overwhelmed or super upset/depressed. I bounce my feet, legs. I have auditory stims, random phrases, singing...etc.

Sometimes I try too hard to force myself not to stim or self regulate because of the stigma.

I do not know for sure what causes my mental disorders or if I have a developmental disorder such as autism. If you want to put a label on it, autism is the only thing that puts all my little mental issues (side effects if you will), my "quirks", odd behaviors and much more together. It would also make sense of my childhood, and everything really. (My chronic pain is a whole other story.)

I'm different, but not less. Don't judge me.

It's hard to remember that.